The 1st Barrier

My running since college has been a lot like the first half lap of a steeplechase.  The gun goes off and you don’t quite realize you're racing.  You’re still playing out the race in your head, visualizing how everything is supposed to go, and all the ways that can change if you fall on your face.  Then, even though it’s extremely pointless, you worry about where everyone else is and if the pace is too relaxed.  And then all of a sudden it’s there.  As if no one told you there were going to barriers, it comes out of nowhere.  

I’ve come upon my first barrier.  Clearing my first barrier is about regaining focus.  Up until now it’s like I have been in the race technically, but my mind is still distracted by all the possibilities and choices.  Should I be increasing my mileage or doing more workouts?  Should I ski more, bike more, swim more.  Do I want to specialize in running?  If so, should I focus on road racing, or cross country, or track, or all three?  Should I run with the collegiate runners or on my own?  Today I decided to do a threshold run, but it wasn’t until a couple minutes in to the threshold that I decided to do a single block without recovery, and it wasn’t until I checked my watch at 23 minutes that I decided I should do a total of 30 minutes.  I have been making things up as I go, which isn’t all bad, but I think there is something valuable in having a plan and executing it.  It helps build confidence and avoid distractions.

A year ago, I was on a mission.  I was not concerned with my grades, or my future, or a social life, or boys.  Everything I did was for one purpose, to make my legs move that slightest bit faster as to achieve the list of goals that I thought I NEEDED to be the person I knew I could be.  Simply put, I was self-absorbed, but at least I knew what I wanted and believed I deserved.

Now, I miss the simplicity of having clear priorities, having real structure to my life and my training, having goals that define me, and give purpose to what I do.  Every competition I’ve done since running for Carleton has been about feeling out where my fitness is at.  I miss running for a team, for a pr, for a qualifying time, for a record.  I’m competitive, especially against myself.  Which is why the first half lap of the steeplechase is my least favorite part, I need to get over that first barrier and get on with the show.

It’s the first barrier that I think keeps most runners out of the sport.  They get lost somewhere in the first half lap.  They get distracted or scared or for whatever reason don’t have the competitive drive to take the first leap.  Because once you get over that first barrier you know you’re in the race, you’re hooked, and there is no turning back.  One you get over you know you belong there and even though the barriers that follow get progressively more difficult at least your focused and understand what has to be done.

So, “Let’s just do this already!”

Limits

I'm probably in the minority here but I think that we handicap ourselves by believing that nothing is impossible.  It's likely that repeatedly coming up just fractions of a seconds short of my goals as a collegiate runner and my recent struggles with injury have left me a little jaded.  But it seems like sport and science recently have given me more than sufficient evidence that there are definite limits to human performance.

Science shows that there are limits to how much we can push ourselves before acidic conditions shut down the enzymes essential to muscle function.  Desire, focus, and confidence may allow us to push through pain barriers, but they have no influence on our body's ability to buffer pH or thermoregulate.  And, just like a car, no matter how much you press the excellorater, when you are out of fuel you putter out and no longer move forward.  If you don't believe me check out this video of complete glycogen depletion. 

This week both the legendary Brazilian football star, Ronaldo, and the shinning example of fighting odds, Lance Armstrong, announced that they had reached the limits of their storied careers.  Ronaldo who had received some media attention criticizing his weight gain, has been diagnosed with hypothyroidism which must be treated with a substance banned by FIFA.  Despite a gutsy comeback, Lance's return to cycling was clouded by doping scandals and crashes and injury.  What's happening to our sports heroes?  Bret Farve, a testosterone creep, I'll give you that, but he loved competition and the game.  Tiger Woods, some male entitlement issues, but can't we all agree that no one watches golf unless Tigers competing.  Micheal Phelps, smoking at a party is not going to change the fact that he is like this real live aquaman.    All I'm trying to say is that we need to remember that despite extraordinary feats that athletes are human, with limits just like the rest of us.  Humans get injured, they get old, sometimes they crumble under pressure, sometimes they get jealous, sometimes they are idiots, sometimes they become victims of a societal need to define perfection.

I'm sure you are aware of the Eleanor Roosevelt quote (actually a poem by Marianne Williamson)


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. /
Our deepest fear /
is that we are powerful beyond measure. /
It is our light, not our darkness, /
that most frightens us. /
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, /
talented and fabulous? /
Actually who are we not to be? /
You are a child of God. /
Your playing small doesn't serve the world. /
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking /
so that other people /
won't feel insecure around you. /"

Does this poem make sense to everybody but me?  I only know of a few people that are afraid of becoming more brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous, and it has nothing to do with making other people more secure. The opposite actually, the fear stems from setting a standard that they know they are incapable of maintaining.  It's a negative perfectionism trait, not a fear of empowerment.  Most respectable competitive athletes though, fall under the category of positive perfectionists, always looking for ways to make themselves more fabulous.   Sure we may be afraid of discovering physical limits but not discovering them to be false.  For competitive athletes, its more often our bodies not our fear that hold us back. And it a good thing too, sometimes to be reminded that we are human.  If our minds and egos were in charge we would quite literally die trying to find that next limit.

The interesting question for me is where are our limits?  It's a question I will never have answered and have no desire to have answered, because as Emerson wrote "Men cease to interest us when we find their limitations."  There is no such thing as accomplishing the impossible, only redefining possible.  Each day, each competition, each goal is about experimenting with my body, mind, and soul to learn what holds me back and what makes me human.

I love love!

Here is a playlist of "love songs" to celebrate the 14th!
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=1B0A29540C1EDD2E

Faced the sun and cast no shadow

"Here's a thought for every man
Who tries to understand what is in his hands
He walks along the open road of love and life
Surviving if he can

Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
Chained to all the places that he never wished to stay
Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow"
-Oasis

Don't think that double postings will be an everyday occurrence, but shortly after posting my first entry I took off for a recovery run.  I'm pretty sore from racing yesterday so I was a little reluctant, but the sun was shinning and for the first time in many weeks that actually meant temperatures above freezing!  I was still musing my fear of words and the song Cast No Shadow came up on my Ipod.  I don't know how it even got there, the song felt familiar but never before had I really "heard" it.  Despite heavy legs and the humblness that comes with racing for the first time in long time, I felt strong.  It felt like spring.  The song provided meaning beyond words.  Looking back now the words "as he faced the sun he cast no shadow" make very little rational sense but in that moment they meant everything.  They meant simultaneous insignificance and empowerment.  They meant discouragement and renewed spirit. 

Fear and Respect for Words

If I'm completely honest with myself, my greatest flaw is that I'm afraid of being outspoken.  I lack candor and boldness.  I fear saying things I can't take back.  I fear meaning I can't fully express.  Mostly, I fear that my words will expose myself as weaker than I believe I am.  But the truth is my fear is futile, I say a lot of things without words.  This is one of the reasons I love running.  It teaches you to express yourself and listen to yourself without words.

Nevertheless, this blog is an attempt at facing my fears.  I don't know if it is possible to practice being more assertive and articulate but it can't hurt to try.  Communication is valuable and we all have something to say.  In fact, as scared as I am of speaking my mind, I'm equally as inspired by other people speaking theirs.  I love how song lyrics can speak volumes.  I love how cursing makes me feel stronger.  I love how the word "love" in the correct context can change somebody's world.  I've been watching a new show called Off the Map and the story line of that last episode revolved around the characters having a very similar fear to mine.  A father was told to write a note to his daughter to comfort her as her leg was being amputated and he could not find the words.  One of the doctors wrote for him, "I'm here -Dad"  It made all the difference.  Later on in the show another doctor sent home a picture to his parents whom he hadn't been speaking to and on the back he wrote "I'm here."  We don't have to say a lot, and often others say it much better, but it is the saying that will make the difference.
So without further ado, I just wanted to say,
I'm here -Laura

Note: I apologize in advance for my one-track mind.  This blog could very soon become a list of "running is like life" metaphors.  But most of the the time running is my life and I wouldn't have it any other way!