New Shoes

If you haven't figured this out about me yet, I conceptualize most things through symbolism.  Yesterday I got new shoes, an event which by itself is rejuvenating, but in my mind this event is life changing.  Yeah I know, it sounds a little overly dramatic but in context it makes sense.

The last time I purchased running shoes I was in a bit of a rough patch in my relationship with running.  I was heart broken and physically broken and I was looking for a quick fix to my plantar facia issues... and my psychological issues ; )...turns out there is nothing quick about fixing plantar fascitis or shattered dreams.  It's been 9 months and over 1,500 miles since that pair of shoes.  I know what you're thinking, "no wonder your PF has taken so long to improve, you should have gotten new shoes at least 3 times since then."  Maybe you're right.  I've been putting it off like most everything smart and responsible in my life, just waiting to feel normal again.  But of course that is unrealistic.  There is a new normal in my life.  The days of being a student athlete are gone.  I will never go back to the way things were.  It's in my personality to never be satisfied, to learn something about how to make myself better everyday so that next time I will be more successful.  Up until that last pair of shoes my life has been about 'next times'.  But it wasn't until yesterday that I finally realized that I've been waiting for a 'next time' that will never be.  This time it wasn't about a failed race strategy, or a mistake in training, or preparing better mentally.  Before moving on I needed to shift my perspective, and realize that further improvement required a new sense of identity.

So, these new shoes symbolize a new kind of 'next time'.  They symbolize an end to the waiting.  They are the first of many opportunities to learn from my weakness and make myself better as a graduate student, as a coach, as an individual runner, or most importantly as a family member and friend.

As for my old shoes, they will have a new home in track surface somewhere.  It's about time, too.  Both literally and figuratively those old shoes are falling apart...and, of course, they smell.

My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on.
-Forrest Gump

Starting a new chase,
Laura

Happiness

Happiness is finding a pencil.
Sleeping in moon light.
Telling the time.
Happiness is learning to whistle.
Tying your shoe
For the very first time.
Happiness is playing the drum
In your own school band.
And happiness is walking hand in hand.
Happiness is two kinds of ice cream.
Knowing a secret.
Climbing a tree.
Happiness is five different crayons.
Catching a firefly.
Setting him free.
And happiness is being alone every now and then.
And happiness is coming home again.
Happiness is morning and evening,
Daytime and nighttime too. 
Happiness is having a sister.
Sharing a sandwich.
Getting along.
Happiness is singing together
When day is through,
And happiness is those who sing with you.
Happiness is morning and evening,
Daytime and nighttime too.
For happiness is anyone and anything at all 

That's loved by you.  

From "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown"  

I've been spending a lot of time recently finding the 'happiness is' in my life.  Reverting to a simpler time when life was about exploring and make believe and singing for fun, not as a competition to be an American idol, or because anyone really wants to listen, or because I'm trying to show off that I know the latest "good song" but singing because it makes me happy.  I miss the times when my responsibilities consisted of sweeping the bathroom floor once a week, and helping fold laundry before going out to play. 

My desire to be back in grade school is likely a reaction to the speed at which my life is changing.  I love my graduate classes and I even enjoy living at home again but I'm incredibly scared about what comes next.  Honestly, I don't mind change as long as it is gradual, one thing at a time. But my goodness, I feel like I'm still coming through the firestorm after leaving the familiar and structured little world of Carleton, to a big city and trying (admittedly not especially hard) to feel a little less like an outsider and traitor.  The possibility that in a year or less I will be on my own, starting a career, making ends meet, and paying off my student loans is the monster under my bed right now.  Its enough for me to consider learning to apply a little makeup, finding myself wealthy man to marry and having his babies...I do think it would be pretty neat to be pregnant...this post is taking a turn for the worst, my apologies.

Luckily, I have some brave people in my life to keep me on track, and reveal that most of my monsters are fictional or at least invisible.  As the saying goes 'Everything works out in the end, if it hasn't workout it's not the end.'  So for now I'm going to continue naively enjoying my happiness, and doing what I do best procrastinating being a grown up.

Chasing two kinds of icecream,

Laura

Instincts

I want to clarify something from my last post.  As much as I need more discipline and structure in my life.  I thrive on instinct.  I love planning, theorizing, and seeing everything laid out in front of me.  It makes me feel more in control, especially before a competition when there is nothing to do but prepare and wait.  However when in really comes down to it, in the arena, I do everything based on instinct.

Instinct in training means knowing how you're supposed to feel, when to back off, when to push up against the edge, and when to push over it.  We can go into the nitty gritty details of how we make training adaptations by increasing VO2  or lactate threshold or fat metabolism or thermoregulation.  Even if we completely understand these systems (which most of us don't) we often over simplify the complexity of physical performance.  Our brains like to put things in neat categories like good vs. bad, liberal versus conservative, fast vs. slow, power vs. endurance.  When in reality everything is on a continuum.  Marathon runners aren't using purely aerobic metabolism.  In fact, if you remember from biology class, pyruvate, (or lactate, often misrefered to as 'lactic acid') the substrate used in the Kreb cycle during cellular respiration, is produced anaerobically.  Lactate buildup is likely not the cause acidic conditions but innocently mirrors the levels of hydrogen ions in the muscle.  We are always producing pyruvate/lactate and hydrogen ions, we are also always clearing lactate and buffering ions.  We are always breathing in oxygen AND carboxide, and breathing out carbon dioxide AND oxygen.  Our heart is always beating and our muscles are always burning energy.  Because of this, the importance is not in whether you are using a the system but to what extent.  To even futher complicate things, each of these systems are woven together in a way that a change in the extent to which one system in operating effects the extent to which all other systems are operating.  The body like everything else in this world is like a web, you tug on one string and the whole thing vibrates.  It's enough to blow my mind.  Which is why I tend to give up that security of control that I get from my plans and go on instinct.  My brain is a lot smarter that I give it credit for.  It knows how to function as a thermostat, taking in information from each of the systems and giving me a reading of how I'm feeling and how long a can sustain a work load and how long it will take to recover.
 
Racing, though, adds the element of other competitors.  Any great competition is as much about out-smarting the other runners as it is about outrunning them, it's about outperforming on every level.  You have to play around with pace, trick the other runners into miscalculating how hard they should run at a given point in the race, or trick them into losing focus.  Or, even more often, avoid tricking yourself by over thinking.  The best racers know their competition well.  They know their competitions physical and psychological strengths and weaknesses as well as their own, and know how to use this information to make decisions in the heat of the moment without letting the pain of fatigue cloud their judgement.

At Carleton, I had smart teammates and smart coaches but at times intelligence and calculated personalities get in the way of seeing things from a broader perspective.  To return to the web metaphor, when you are looking at the web at the level of individual strings it does not allow you to practice perceiving patterns in how the web functions as whole.

As scattered and inarticulate as I am, I survived and thrived at Carleton by leaning on the "N" of my INFP personality.  Despite wasting many hours scouring race results and checking honor rolls hoping to predict the outcome of races and seasons, I'm adaptable and intuitive when I get out on the course or track.  I can recognize how a training session or race is unfolding and make adjustments.  All the science background or number crunching in the world can't make up for the ability to continually "gut check" and react appropriately.

Even though training and racing instincts are not easily quantified, that doesn't  mean they don't improve with practice.  I am completely out of practice.  It's one thing as a coach to discuss race strategy with your athletes and to futility scream from the outside of the track, it's another thing completely to get out there yourself and put it all together.  Instinct isn't something you can get by analysis and learning from other people's mistakes, you have to be the one to experiment and screw up and make adjustments and learn from experience.  I think its time I sign up for some races!

Chasing down instinct,
Laura